Michael- Mike. Can I call you Mike? We’ve never met before, but I feel like I already know you. Probably because you remind me of a distant uncle. Not my distant uncle, but definitely a distant uncle.
You’re kind of like America’s distant uncle, actually. One minute you’re teaching us everything we know about finding eternal love (The Bachelor) and then next thing we know, you’re teaching us everything we know about how to massacre people with chainsaws (Texas Chainsaw Massacre).
I guess when I think about it, you actually do remind me of my uncle.
Anyways, as you’ve probably gathered, I’m reaching out to explain to you why I am an ideal contestant for The Bachelor.
You probably are already sold on the idea, but in case you’re some sort of maniac,
I’ve crafted this list of reasons why I would be the perfect Bachelor contestant to help you understand:
1) What I lack in aesthetic beauty, I make up for in inexplicable confidence.
In the 10th grade, a boy described me as looking “Ok, I guess” and I've been ridin' that high ever since.
2) 30% of my face is made of eyes, which is great for TV.
3) I have no pride.
But will you eat pizza out of the garbage, Megan?
Absolutely.
In fact, I already have.
On so many occasions.
Also, I will do anything to get ahead.
Are you pregnant, Megan?
No, but if that means I can have a seat on the train, you know what they say- If you got it, flaunt it.
4) I’ll marry literally anyone you tell me to.
Magicians included.
5) I am known to create dramatic tension in even the most peaceful situations.
In 1999, I was thrown out of the Crawford County Fair 4-H sheep show for instigating a fistfight.
I was 8.
I know that sounds like a while ago, but don’t worry-- If anything, I was much more stable as an 8 year old.
6) I have allergies.
This is good because (1) it raises awareness* and (2) I regularly mix wine and allergy medication.
Which brings me to my next point:
7) Not only can I cry on command, but I cry over most things.
Again, don’t worry- it’s not that genuine, disgusting kind of crying that women do when they actually allow themselves to feel emotion. My crying will not make men feel uncomfortable. I cry beautifully.
BONUS: Even if I haven’t been crying, my makeup always looks like I have.
8) I never sweat. That one’s kind of open-and-shut.
9) I'm really good at seeming really promising, but then coming up short at critical times.
Just ask my 9th grade soccer coach, my top choice for college, or the 911 operator who needed to know the location of a bike crash I witnessed (“It’s like...kind of near a bridge...”).
How does coming up short at critical times relate to being a good Bachelor contestant?
Guess who would make an even better Bachelorette.
*don't think about it