America. Land of the free and home of the brave.
Or is it?
Sure, Americans are brave- In fact, compared to all other nations, we have the most firefighters per capita.
But are we free?
Lately, our liberties have come under siege by an unseen attacker. An assailant who has turned from puckish hijinks to outright sedition. No longer content with simply “enabling consumption of your Guy Fieri Flavortown Frozen Crispy Cheeseburger Ravioli Bites TM”- an act that, at best, ends in moderate-to-severe heartburn-- this silent menace has turned its attention to bigger and better things.
Like taking down America. Yes, firefighters and all.
There’s a new threat in town, and its name is ‘your microwave’.
According to recent comments from noted scientist and sleep-deprived patriot, Kellyanne Conway, you could currently be under government surveillance by “microwaves that turn into cameras”.
One can never be too careful. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan. To help you remain safe and retain your right to privacy, we have compiled the following list of 3 No-Fail Ways to Figure Out if Your Microwave is Spying on You:
- Is it plugged in?
When plugged in, electrical current begin to flow throughout your microwave.
'Great', you’re thinking, 'I’m one step closer to heating up my Guy Fieri Flavortown Frozen Crispy Cheeseburger Ravioli Bites TM'.
Not so fast. Guess who controls energy? That’s right- The government.
If your microwave is plugged in, you might as well be sitting around a campfire reading your diary to everyone from The United States Department of Energy.
2. Listen closely.
Put your microwave up to your ear. What do you hear? Ocean sounds? Get closer. Open the door and put your head inside. Anything?
If your microwave is silent, that is cause for concern. Think about it- What is quieter than a spy?
Nothing. Nothing is quieter than a spy.
3. Are you the President of the United States?
You are? Perfect. Have the entire intelligence community put everything else on hold and look into whether you were surveilled or not.
If they unanimously determine that your microwave has never spied on you, you’ll know they are all liars and that you never should have trusted them anyways.
The threat that microwaves pose is upsettingly obvious- Why else would “nuking” be a colloquialism for “heating up food”?
There you have it- 3 No-Fail Ways to Figure Out if Your Microwave is Spying on You.
Of course, no matter how many precautions you take, you will probably never be completely safe from your appliances.
We recommend you sell them all to raise money for guns.