Published by Robot Butt
Writing
3 No-Fail Ways to Figure Out if Your Microwave is Spying on You
America. Land of the free and home of the brave.
Or is it?
Sure, Americans are brave- In fact, compared to all other nations, we have the most firefighters per capita.
But are we free?
Lately, our liberties have come under siege by an unseen attacker. An assailant who has turned from puckish hijinks to outright sedition. No longer content with simply “enabling consumption of your Guy Fieri Flavortown Frozen Crispy Cheeseburger Ravioli Bites TM”- an act that, at best, ends in moderate-to-severe heartburn-- this silent menace has turned its attention to bigger and better things.
Like taking down America. Yes, firefighters and all.
There’s a new threat in town, and its name is ‘your microwave’.
According to recent comments from noted scientist and sleep-deprived patriot, Kellyanne Conway, you could currently be under government surveillance by “microwaves that turn into cameras”.
One can never be too careful. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan. To help you remain safe and retain your right to privacy, we have compiled the following list of 3 No-Fail Ways to Figure Out if Your Microwave is Spying on You:
- Is it plugged in?
When plugged in, electrical current begin to flow throughout your microwave.
'Great', you’re thinking, 'I’m one step closer to heating up my Guy Fieri Flavortown Frozen Crispy Cheeseburger Ravioli Bites TM'.
Not so fast. Guess who controls energy? That’s right- The government.
If your microwave is plugged in, you might as well be sitting around a campfire reading your diary to everyone from The United States Department of Energy.
2. Listen closely.
Put your microwave up to your ear. What do you hear? Ocean sounds? Get closer. Open the door and put your head inside. Anything?
If your microwave is silent, that is cause for concern. Think about it- What is quieter than a spy?
Nothing. Nothing is quieter than a spy.
3. Are you the President of the United States?
You are? Perfect. Have the entire intelligence community put everything else on hold and look into whether you were surveilled or not.
If they unanimously determine that your microwave has never spied on you, you’ll know they are all liars and that you never should have trusted them anyways.
The threat that microwaves pose is upsettingly obvious- Why else would “nuking” be a colloquialism for “heating up food”?
There you have it- 3 No-Fail Ways to Figure Out if Your Microwave is Spying on You.
Of course, no matter how many precautions you take, you will probably never be completely safe from your appliances.
We recommend you sell them all to raise money for guns.
Letter To Mike Fleiss, Creator Of The Bachelor:
Michael- Mike. Can I call you Mike? We’ve never met before, but I feel like I already know you. Probably because you remind me of a distant uncle. Not my distant uncle, but definitely a distant uncle.
You’re kind of like America’s distant uncle, actually. One minute you’re teaching us everything we know about finding eternal love (The Bachelor) and then next thing we know, you’re teaching us everything we know about how to massacre people with chainsaws (Texas Chainsaw Massacre).
I guess when I think about it, you actually do remind me of my uncle.
Anyways, as you’ve probably gathered, I’m reaching out to explain to you why I am an ideal contestant for The Bachelor.
You probably are already sold on the idea, but in case you’re some sort of maniac,
I’ve crafted this list of reasons why I would be the perfect Bachelor contestant to help you understand:
1) What I lack in aesthetic beauty, I make up for in inexplicable confidence.
In the 10th grade, a boy described me as looking “Ok, I guess” and I've been ridin' that high ever since.
2) 30% of my face is made of eyes, which is great for TV.
3) I have no pride.
But will you eat pizza out of the garbage, Megan?
Absolutely.
In fact, I already have.
On so many occasions.
Also, I will do anything to get ahead.
Are you pregnant, Megan?
No, but if that means I can have a seat on the train, you know what they say- If you got it, flaunt it.
4) I’ll marry literally anyone you tell me to.
Magicians included.
5) I am known to create dramatic tension in even the most peaceful situations.
In 1999, I was thrown out of the Crawford County Fair 4-H sheep show for instigating a fistfight.
I was 8.
I know that sounds like a while ago, but don’t worry-- If anything, I was much more stable as an 8 year old.
6) I have allergies.
This is good because (1) it raises awareness* and (2) I regularly mix wine and allergy medication.
Which brings me to my next point:
7) Not only can I cry on command, but I cry over most things.
Again, don’t worry- it’s not that genuine, disgusting kind of crying that women do when they actually allow themselves to feel emotion. My crying will not make men feel uncomfortable. I cry beautifully.
BONUS: Even if I haven’t been crying, my makeup always looks like I have.
8) I never sweat. That one’s kind of open-and-shut.
9) I'm really good at seeming really promising, but then coming up short at critical times.
Just ask my 9th grade soccer coach, my top choice for college, or the 911 operator who needed to know the location of a bike crash I witnessed (“It’s like...kind of near a bridge...”).
How does coming up short at critical times relate to being a good Bachelor contestant?
Guess who would make an even better Bachelorette.
*don't think about it
